I Need To Feel Loved (Whether I Am Or Not)
Why I'm writing a SubStack newsletter, changing plans, popping your Cherry.
Can I love myself how I want to be loved?
I don’t know if I could love myself the way I want to be loved. I need it to be consistent, but not smothery, and I want it a lil salty, not a lot of honey. I need to feel loved, whether I am or not. The love doesn’t have to be actual, it could be bought. I mean, I’d do anything to fill that slot! The one who gets to love me! Though many take on the task. I just need to feel like it’s there. That’s all I ask.
I need to feel that the love radiates. I need to feel that someone is listening. I need to know and be reassured as to the fact that the words I write may go into space, but they land in your space, of all spaces they could be. You don’t know how much it means to me for you to let me in, even this little bit. I need to feel that I can fill that space. The one you so graciously leave open.
Why I’m writing
I’m writing to say that I want your attention. I need it, in fact. I will love you with my whole heart, can you love me back? And would you look at that! Time keeps on going by, and not a single person bats an eye, except to cry. I only slow down to let my tears out these days, otherwise I’m on the g(r)o(w)! Something like that takes over me, yknow? It tells me that if I write and keep your attention, you won’t dare mention the flaws that I know. I’m flawed, this I know.
I’m writing to support my dreams and tell lil Mani that anything is and always has been possible. Anything. Even being flown out to Amsterdam.
How I got here
I was taking a class to get an English teaching certificate, called the TEFL. While in class to get my TEFL, I had an American classmate living the Netherlands who needed someone to house sit for her soon after the course was done, as her and her wife were going on a honeymoon. She asked me to come, bought my ticket, and no I’m in the Netherlands! She even already purchased tickets to The Anne Frank House (my childhood dream if you know me). It was quite seamless, really. The flight was easy and she continues to deliver me groceries and anything else I need while she is galavanting and exploring Europe.
I had a plan to move to China in August. I changed. I no longer want to go, instead I want to move to Amsterdam. Instead, I want to change my plans once again and in a large way. I want to do something drastic, as I do. So, I’ve decided, I will return in August and pursue my life as a writer and English teacher. What better platform to connect than SubStack? Here, you can directly support my dreams and I by subscribing and donating monthly to a little piece of my plan.
Why I need you!
Seems simple enough? Well, not without you! Forward this email to your friends, your family, mom, teacher, anyone! Help me spread the word that Cherries by Mani is about to be your new contemplative digital space to grow with an author/writer making it from scratch. No manager. Self-published. All. By. Me. As a Black woman, this means the most to me and my most distant ancestors. I have to write. It has to be now.
I’ll include a poem with every Cherry. Here’s my first one, “For a better,” written for a friend in Amsterdam who moved here alone. Similar to my near future. It is as follows:
For a better
Life?
Maybe I’ll look for a better
wife when I leave
But what’s within me?
What am I leaving behind?
Oh! And I left in just one night
I’ll move to the right of the globe
Hope my choice suffices
& Sure I’m leaving
But I’ll never give up my vices
I’ll still smoke, and tote, and
Be the only one my mother thinks of
She’s worried
I know it
But my success?
I have to show it!
So I’ll move across the world
Could you believe that?
Leave everything I know
Maybe I’ll look back…
Well, here’s to the future of me! Keep your finger crossed. I’m manifesting everyday.
Thank you so much for thinking this through with me. I am a self-funded writer, so consider supporting me by liking, sharing, or subscribing!
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